I'm Not Okay
by Dragoness of the Galaxy
Summary: Tabitha is slowly starting to lose himself—and with that, he descends into darkness. The question is…can anyone save him this time? (Future seamountshipping: Eating disorders are present in this fanfic)
1. Three Years Later

Three years should have been enough.

At least, that's what Tabitha thought as he looked back at his reflection for what seemed to be the fourth day in a row. He didn't mean to look at it so much, he really didn't. He just happened to pass by the mirror while cleaning one day, and had to stop and observe his reflection. He was regretting that, now, because the longer he gazed, the worse he felt.

It was fairly hard to discuss, his previous hatred and fear of mirrors. They only showed the horrible truth that he knew, the one he wanted to hide. He had become accustomed to getting dressed and undressed with his back to the mirror, so he didn't have to see himself. And if that wasn't a choice, then he would undress in the dark.

He thought he had ditched that fear forever, though. Three years ago, he thought he had pushed those dark thoughts from his head for good. So why would they be coming back now?

_'No. Bad Tabitha. Don't think of that. Don't think of those things.'_

He continued to repeat that in his head as he had done numerous times before. And with a bit of effort, he managed to remove himself from in front of the mirror. He focused himself on feeding his Pokemon.

_'That's right, Tabitha. Don't think of those things.'_

He set down everyone's bowls; Mightyena, Camerupt, Skitty, Koffing, Makuhita, and Golbat. He released them from their pokeballs, allowing them to go and eat. He watched as they happily munched at their food. At least they'd never be judged for—

_'NO. STOP. BAD TABITHA.'_

As quickly as he could without startling his Pokemon, he walked off, closing the door to his room, and sliding down to the floor. He kept repeating the same phrases over and over in his head, and each time he did, the thoughts would just resurface again. Tears leaked from his eyes, but he didn't notice.

_'Worthless. Ugly. Fat. Idiot.'_

He suddenly didn't feel hungry.

* * *

><p><em>Hopefully you all enjoy this, as this will be taking a different direction than what I'm used to writing.<em>

_Also, I headcanon that as personal Pokemon, he has a Makuhita and a Skitty, so that's why they're here._


	2. Disconnection

Shelly hummed as she brushed her hair out, her Mightyena sleeping beneath her feet. She gave a soft giggle as she got up, careful not to wake her sleeping Pokemon, and changed out of her pajamas into a simple tank top and shorts. It was bright and sunny outside, and there was no need to waste it indoors. Before she had a chance to leave, her transciever went off. In a hurry, she picked it up to see she received a call from Courtney.

She let out a sigh; it wasn't as if she wasn't happy to have Courtney calling her, but Tabitha hadn't responded to a single one of her texts or calls, and it was truly starting to worry her. She figured he was busy, and she wouldn't blame him, but it still would have been nice if he gave her a small heads-up.

"Hello, Shelly," Courtney's monotone voice announced.

"Well hello there, Courtney~" Shelly greeted in her usual airy tone. "Now, what could you possibly need from me today?"

"Must you always…act so cheerful?"

Shelly let out a laugh.

"Oh, but I thought you liked my cheerfulness!"

A sigh came from the other end, but Shelly could tell that Courtney was also smiling.

"In any case…have you heard from Tabitha? He doesn't appear…to be answering my messages. Strange…he always answers when we call. I figured…you may have heard from him…seeing as you two have known each other…for a while…"

The smile from Shelly's face slowly faded as Courtney went on with her statement. So he wasn't returning her or Courtney's calls. That didn't sound like Tabitha at all. Something told her that there was something wrong with him, and something else told her that he'd be fine. As her brain contemplated this, an old memory resurfaced, one she hadn't touched in about two years. The very thought of it playing through her head could make her shudder.

'_Is…could he really…'_

"Shelly?" Courtney's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "Are you…still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," Shelly answered. "I haven't seen or heard from him, either. Just thinking of him, you know?"

"He's probably…just busy." There was a pause. "Heh…since when is…he not busy? He's always…doing something. Ahahahahaha~"

Shelly wouldn't admit it, but Courtney's melodic laughter was a more than welcomed sound right now.

"Did you try asking Maxie if he's seen the guy? Tabitha will normally answer to him, won't he?"

"No…I didn't think of Maxie…he's been so distant lately…" Courtney gave a sigh. "I don't know…if anyone has really seen him. Maxie…I mean."

"…Mind if I come over? Maybe its better we discuss this in person."

"That would…be nice. I wouldn't mind…the company."

"I'll be over in a bit. Ciao, Courtney~"

"Bye, Shelly."

Shelly heard the click of Courtney hanging up. She let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding back; so much for her good mood. Taking out her Mightyena's pokeball, she called him back into it and left, looking forlornly at a picture of her and Tabitha back when they worked in Devon Corp together.

Tabitha was going to have to expect a surprise visit from them, whether he liked it or not.

* * *

><p>Courtney was left staring at her transciever for about ten minutes even after she had hung up. Her thoughts raced through her head a mile a minute, wondering if Tabitha was okay—and why Shelly had acted so oddly. She knew that Shelly had known Tabitha for a few years, as they had worked in Devon Corp together, but she didn't know if their relationship was anything deeper than normal friends. Perhaps Shelly knew something that she didn't. She smirked at the thought of Shelly having a crush on him, and had to let out a laugh at this. The very thought of it was amusing; she'd have to tell both of them later.<p>

Her mouth went back into its normal frown as she looked over at a picture on her dresser. She picked it up to look at it. It was of her and the rest of Team Magma together, all smiling, Maxie included. Putting the picture back down, she pulled out her scrap book from one of her drawers, with the word "Memories" written in neat cursive on the front.

She flipped through it, going from when she was in college, to when she joined Team Magma, all the way up to after they and Team Aqua finally chose to get along. There was one group picture of the admins and the leaders together.

Shelly was on Matt's shoulders while Archie was beside them, smirking at Maxie who was fighting a smile as Courtney and Tabitha argued. She smiled lightly. They all looked so happy together, something they hadn't done in a while.

Maxie had isolated himself slightly, dismissing anyone who came to visit him. Archie seemed to be the only one who knew anything about him; they seemed to have something going on, but she wouldn't pry. She still saw Matt on a regular basis; he and Shelly were often together, seeing as they were good friends, and had been so for a while.

She sighed, closing her eyes and holding the book closer to her chest. Maybe that's why she once hated Team Aqua's admins and leader so deeply; how they were all close with each other and friendly and social. She had wished for the same thing in Team Magma, but the closest she ever came was with Tabitha, and now he had shut them out, too. And Maxie…well, Maxie had always been distant, but not to this extent.

Reopening her eyes, she took in a deep breath and put back on her stoic expression. There was no time for her to think of the past. For now, she'd get the house ready for her guest. All the while, she couldn't get her mind off of Tabitha. It wasn't as if this was the first time he did this either. A bit of time after they had met, Tabitha had chosen to be somewhat sour towards everyone for a few weeks before he went back to being his usual self.

'_Tabitha…please don't shut us out again…you know you don't like to be lonely…yet you isolate yourself as much as possible. Why? Is it something…that we did?'_

Sometimes, the answer you wanted wasn't always the answer you'd receive.

* * *

><p><em>I'm actually writing this story at a fairly good pace, surprisingly…<em>

_As you guys can tell from looking at my past work, this is a MUCH different direction than what I normally post. Hopefully it's a good read. See you next chapter!_


	3. Isolation

_Before we start this chapter, two things to address:_

_This fanfic will be updated monthly, with one-three chapters per month. Most of the time, you'll get one chapter, but on occasion, you'll get two or three. This is so the chapters don't get backed up and I have to rush to finish one. This is the updating schedule and I'll announce on my tumblr (link will be up on my profile) if something comes up and an update has to be delayed._

_Second, __eudaemonics__ has bought something to my attention, and I apologize for not addressing it, sooner._

_If this fanfic has offended you in any way, I deeply apologize. It's not my intent to offend anyone with this, or with any piece of writing I make in the future. _

_Without further ado, let's jump into the next chapter._

* * *

><p>Maxie frowned as he was met with Tabitha's voice mail once more. Tabitha normally answered when he called—or when anyone called, for that matter. It confused him greatly; he expected Courtney to miss a call more often than Tabitha did, and that was saying something; Courtney was keen on answering the moment her PokeNav rang.<p>

That was that, though. He had another matter on his mind, and that matter came in the form of Archie.

He had no idea how it happened, or why it happened in the first place, but the redhead had found himself in love with the other man. He couldn't explain it; Archie was everything he despised. Loud, excitable, a deep love for the sea…

…and somehow, he still couldn't pull himself away from the other.

He had accepted a long time ago he was gay. While he was still closeted about it, he didn't really make try to lie his way out of answering when presented with the question; he'd just shrug and leave them guessing. But he never imagined falling in love with his rival, and now he was hoping that his feelings were returned in some degree.

Archie visited every now and then; as annoyed as he acted, he didn't mind when the other man was around, even before he developed feelings for him. He was helpful at the very least, and sometimes, he would even visit with May and Brendan. He hadn't seen anyone lately, besides Archie. Both of Archie's admins, Shelly and Matt, were doing their own thing when they weren't with Archie. Courtney was normally out on her own, and no one really knew what Tabitha was doing.

His mind drifted back to his unresponsive admin. He then thought he shouldn't say that Tabitha was unresponsive; he would be a hypocrite if he did. While he wouldn't openly admit it, he was worried about him. Tabitha had a habit of isolating himself, but he had no idea why. For some reason, he would suddenly stop smiling and would look very upset, and hide out somewhere with his Pokemon. It worried all of them when he did it, and would worry them more when he came back acting as if nothing had happened.

Maxie himself didn't get caught up in his admin's affairs and personal life, but his odd habits were concerning. Regardless, he was a social person and they enjoyed having him around.

Maybe Maxie was just over thinking things.

* * *

><p>Matt rubbed the head of his Sharpedo as they surfed the ocean together. Currently, Matt was heading back home after an early morning surf that had gone into the afternoon. He did this most mornings, just to get out and spend some time with his Pokemon. Wingull and Pelipper flew overhead, calling down greetings to Matt and Sharpedo as they zoomed through the water. A smirk came to Matt's face as he and Sharpedo reached their destination; none of Team Magma's members would enjoy surfing on the water one bit, unlike Team Aqua, who lived for the sea.<p>

After giving his Sharpedo another affectionate rub, Matt returned him to his pokeball and headed back up to his house. No one really lived in the base anymore, though sometimes, they would sleep there overnight. May and Brendan would visit, too. The admins and leaders got along well enough to tolerate each other's presence, so either one would visit when they liked.

He grinned as he thought about one Magma admin in particular, Tabitha. He adored him and his scientific ways, and he was cute and handsome, in Matt's eyes. Maybe it was love at first sight, and maybe it developed over time, but Matt had always known that he had a crush on Tabitha. The only reason he didn't act upon it was out of respect for Tabitha; he figured the other wouldn't be into him, and he wouldn't force anything onto him.

Of course, that didn't mean he didn't want to have Tabitha as a friend.

Once he was in his house, he picked up his PokeNav, calling Tabitha. Hopefully he picked up; he hadn't been doing so in the past few days. It was actually worrying; Tabitha almost never missed someone's call or ignored their messages. Just as he was beginning to think that today was going to end with him not picking up, he heard Tabitha on the other line.

"What do you want, Matt?"

Matt grinned, doing his best to contain his excitement. Finally, Tabitha was picking up!

"Wondering how you've been doing," he answered through his grin. "And I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet with me at some time or another."

"And just why would I want to do that?"

"Because you're always holed up in your house on your own."

"Wha-at!? I am not on my own all the time!" He could hear Tabitha's pout. "I have my Pokemon!"

Matt rolled his eyes as Tabitha got defensive.

"In any case, I guess I, Chief Admin Tabitha, could grace you with my presence."

"Great! I was thinking we meet at Mauville City tomorrow at around 12," Matt suggested.

"Fine then. I will be there. And don't be late!"

"Wouldn't dream of it, little Makuhita man."

"D-don't call me that!"

Matt laughed as Tabitha hung up. "Little Makuhita man" was a nickname Matt had made up for him back when they were still enemies. Even though everything with Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had passed over about six months ago, he still called him that out of endearment and affection.

Matt still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Tabitha, though. It didn't sound like he was busy, since he would have left a message if he was, but at the same time, there wasn't any other answer or possible reason for Tabitha's sudden isolation. Matt shrugged; maybe he'd find out tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Shelly knocked on Courtney's door, unusually quiet. It had taken her around thirty minutes to get to her friend's house—fifteen minutes less than what it would normally take. She guessed she was really anxious if she was able to walk that fast, and she already walked fast as it was.<p>

"Hello…Shelly." Courtney opened the door, inviting her inside. Shelly couldn't help but smile when she saw the red, black, and purple interior.

"You sure like red," she commented.

"I could…say the same…to you…for blue…" Courtney smiled back at Shelly. As stoic as she could be, she still had a sense of humor. "You know…someone would think…with the way you talk…about Tabitha…that you like him…"

"I-I do not!" Shelly denied. "We are nothing but friends."

"Denial…never gets you…anywhere…"

"As if you don't deny your feelings for Maxie."

It was Shelly's turn to snicker at Courtney's pouting and blushing face.

"I…don't like him…like that…"

The two were still snickering as they sat down on the couch. Shelly then remembered why she was here, and for the second time that day, her smile faded. Courtney must have remembered, too, because her smile had gone as well and she refused to look anywhere but the floor.

"…So what…do you think?" Courtney asked.

"I honestly don't know." Shelly hoped Courtney wouldn't catch her bluff. "I had a thought earlier, but I doubt it's true."

"What…was it?"

"Some guy we knew back in Devon Corp; I thought he may have come back to bother Tabitabi, but I doubt it. Last time I checked, he traveled to Sinnoh to work with another team of scientists out there."

"Sinnoh…is a fairly…long way…from here…" Courtney mused, agreeing with Shelly. "Maybe…he really is…just busy…"

"With who or what, I have no clue." Shelly shrugged her shoulders. A smirk came to her lips as she finished her sentence. "Speaking of who he could be busy with…you think Matt has a part in this?"

"Why would…Matt have…any part…in this?" Courtney tilted her head. Shelly gave a dramatic gasp.

"Why, you haven't noticed? It's obvious they have a crush on each other!"

"And how…did you…come to that…conclusion?"

"Is the nickname "little Makuhita man" enough evidence for you?"

"…I guess…it is…and Tabitha always…seemed to have…an interesting relationship…with Matt…" Courtney smiled and began giggling. "Ahahahahahaha~"

"Wouldn't they look so cute together?" Shelly was practically gushing at this point. She didn't outwardly show it, but she liked the idea of the two of them in a relationship. They would work well for each other in her opinion.

As both of them laughed and gushed about the thought of their friends together, they completely forgot their initially worry, believing their friend to be okay.

How far from the truth they were.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry, only one chapter this month because there was a problem with the chapter ordering and plot holes and things, and I have to reorganize and rewrite all five of the chapters I just finished and then work on the next three of them. So, sadly, updates may take some time, but I promise by late-March, early-April, you'll be getting a semi-steady pace of updates.<em>

_Be warned, because this is going to be most likely the lightest chapter of the story for a while. See you guys until then!_


	4. Fault

_Woo! FINALLY finished this monster of a chapter! And I may actually update again this month; I haven't decided yet, as it IS a short month and I don't have any buffer chapters ready. _

_As a brief warning, **there is a vomiting scene at the end of this chapter**. __I know it should be expected since this is a fanfic with eating disorders in it, and the content isn't very graphic, but just so you're aware that the scene is going to happen if you don't want to read it._

_And without further ado, let's jump into the next chapter!_

* * *

><p>Tabitha rubbed his Skitty's head as she sat on his lap, munching at her pokepuff. He softly smiled as he focused on her; his Pokemon always took his mind off of things, no matter what was going on. Skitty looked up and smiled at him.<p>

"Nya! Nya!" she chirped, waving her tiny paws in the air, resting them on his stomach. She climbed up to lick his face. "Nya~"

"At least you guys will always like me," he said, sighing. He barely ate anything in the last two weeks, but that was alright with him. He would be fine, as long as his Pokemon were taken care of.

At that moment, his PokeNav started ringing. He frowned; he hadn't been answering anyone's calls for the past few days, preferring some time to think and isolate himself from everyone. Skitty jumped off his lap and picked up his PokeNav, careful not to drop it as she bought it to him. Tapping the device, she tilted her head at him.

"I guess I'll answer this time…only because you asked." He gave his Skitty another rub on the head as she settled down next to him, content with her work. Tabitha checked the caller ID and held back a squeak; it was Matt. He harbored a crush on him ever since they met; the muscular Team Aqua admin was very affectionate and extremely likable. Plus, he looked gorgeous to Tabitha. He never acted on his crush, though; he was afraid of what Matt would think and how he would react, and he was pretty sure Matt thought he looked horrible.

Composing himself, he answered with his usual annoyed exterior when the two of them met.

"What do you want, Matt?" It was hard to keep the grin off of his face.

"Wondering how you've been doing," came Matt's answer. Tabitha felt his face heat up; Matt was too considerate sometimes. "And I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet with me at some time or another."

"And just why would I want to do that?" _'Oh Arceus, Matt, I'd love to meet with you. I'd even kiss you if I could.' _His thoughts contrasted against his words.

"Because you're always holed up in your house on your own."

"Wha-at!? I am not on my own all the time!" Tabitha fussed, although he knew it was a lie; he was lonely at his house. "I have my pokemon!" He wished he had human contact, though…

Clearing his throat, he decided to give in to Matt's request. "In any case, I guess I, Chief Admin Tabitha, could grace you with my presence."

"Great! I was thinking we meet at Mauville City tomorrow at around 12."

"Fine then. I will be there. And don't be late!"

"Wouldn't dream of it, little Makuhita man."

"D-don't call me that!" _'Don't ever stop calling me that, you strong Conkledurr.'_

Tabitha's Skitty looked up as her trainer hung up and smiled brightly when she saw his fierce blush as he hid his face. She gave the equivalent of a giggle and skipped off to find elsewhere to have a nap.

Tabitha himself, on the other hand, had too many thoughts in his head to notice Skitty had run off. He actually managed to talk to Matt and not do or say something completely stupid. And now he had the day with Matt, all to them, and they could talk for as long as they wanted…at least until they had to go home.

'_And you're going to let him see how hideous you are?'_

He flinched at the dark thought, his good mood coming to an end sooner than he would have liked. He looked at the floor; he hadn't thought about that. The only thought in his mind was seeing Matt. Now he was going to have to pay for his decision.

'_He's going to make you eat. And Arceus knows you don't need to get any fatter.' _

So what was he supposed to do, now? He couldn't just call back and cancel on Matt, as it wouldn't be fair to him. He could always lie and just say he wasn't hungry, but if they stayed out for more than a few hours, that lie wasn't going to hold up well.

'_You can punish yourself later, should worst come to worst.' _

He tapped his fingers together as he thought of just what that meant. He'd rather not endure punishment, but if it meant he was another step closer to being perfect, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

* * *

><p>The night passed over fairly quickly, and it was morning. Matt was down by the water from his house in Slateport, letting his Sharpedo get an early morning swim and the rest of his Pokemon time to play around before he left to meet Tabitha.<p>

He wasn't the only one who decided to come early in the morning. There was another young woman there as well, sitting in the sand and drawing in it. Sharpedo was swimming alongside her Dewgong, the two of them laughing and having a good time. The rest of her team—a Gardevoir, a Ninetales, a Roserade, a Lopunny, and a Charizard—were playing in the water, save for the Charizard who was flying up in the sky. As her gaze met his, she smiled and waved, to which he returned her friendly gesture.

It was around an hour and a half later before the woman got up, calling her team back in. Dewgong nuzzled his Sharpedo in a farewell sense, and swam after her teammates and trainer. After everyone was returned to their pokeballs, she waved to Matt once more and walked off, disappearing off the beach. Matt decided it was time for him to head off as well, and returned everyone to their pokeballs. He was just going to walk to Mauville City; it was a nice day and he was a quick-paced walker. He was excited to see Tabitha. His sudden isolation started to worry everyone. He remembered Shelly calling him and telling him Tabitha hadn't been talking to them lately, one day before he decided to ask Tabitha to meet with him.

His smile widened as Mauville City came into view. He always liked the complex build of the indoor city. It was a maze you could memorize like the back of your hand, and you'd still find something new every time you went back in. Hopefully Tabitha hadn't gotten himself lost accidentally. He doubted he had done so, though; Tabitha was smarter than that. Matt himself was more liable to do that.

It was just 11:45, but he already spotted Tabitha there, his normal red turtleneck on. He didn't look like he had been waiting all that long; at most he looked to be there for around five minutes. Deciding to joke around with him, he quietly walked up behind him and rested his arms on Tabitha's head, grinning like an idiot when Tabitha jumped and pushed away from him.

"Hey there, little Makuhita man!" he greeted, laughing.

"V-very funny, you brute," Tabitha muttered, resisting the urge to blush. If only Matt could do that to him all the time.

"We've all missed you, Tabs," Matt commented, walking beside him as they looked around. "Were have you been?"

Tabitha mentally panicked. He didn't think Matt would ask him about where he had been. Thinking fast, he answered with the best thing he knew.

"I've been kind of busy and I really haven't had a chance to talk to you all."

It apparently worked, because Matt smiled again.

"That's good. You kind of worried the rest of us."

Despite feeling bad that he had to lie to his friend, and even more so his crush, Tabitha couldn't help but feel flattered that they were concerned for him. Looking over at Matt as he talked about something Shelly had done some time ago, he felt like he was on top of the world. Matt was so handsome and stunning, but as much as you'd expect him to be brutal, he wasn't. In fact, Tabitha would almost describe him as…

"…cute…" he mumbled. Matt stopped.

"What'd you say?" he asked.

"N-nothing," Tabitha stammered. He couldn't believe he just said that out loud. Matt shrugged. Smiling slightly, Tabitha went on with the conversation. "You know, she's done some pretty funny, but smart things when we worked in Devon Corp."

"She has?" Matt grinned. "What did she do?"

"Well…there was this guy who used to hit on her constantly, no matter how many times she turned him down. So, one day, when he was pestering her for a date, she went over to one of the female workers and flirted with her. The other worker was okay with it, and they actually dated for around a year."

"What happened to them?"

"The worker—I think her name was Sonia—moved to another region, and they decided not to keep a long distance relationship. They still talk from what I know." Tabitha smiled fondly at the memory. Matt was laughing, as well.

"That sounds like her. Looks like she never changed, huh?"

"I doubt she ever will."

They spent time walking together and swapping funny stories, from both the past and the present. From the time Matt fell off of his Sharpedo's back after a giant wave hit both of them, to the time Courtney was caught singing along to the radio into her hairbrush. By the time around an hour or two passed by, they were sitting down on a bench together in the park-like area of the indoor city.

If there was a day either of them felt closer to the other, then it wasn't being recalled. Tabitha would still fuss over being called "little Makuhita man", obviously, but he made no attempts to stop him, much to Matt's happiness. They were still unaware of the other's feelings towards them; one didn't want to make a move, and the other was too scared to do so.

As they got up to move on and look at the different shops, Tabitha spotted something that interested him. It was a Numel plush. It briefly reminded him of when he was younger, and he and his Camperupt, back when he was a Numel, would compete in contests together. Matt followed his gaze to the same plush and smiled. He'd have to remember it for later so he could get it for Tabitha.

Tabitha looked back over at Matt, smiling softly before he looked away again. It was nice to think of Matt, but being near him was like heaven on earth. He knew it was hopeless to ever think Matt would love him, though.

"Hey, are you hungry?" Matt asked. Tabitha was about to turn him down, before he thought about it. It was only one little thing, right? It wouldn't hurt him too badly…

'_Okay, so maybe this once I can make an exception…'_

"I guess so," he answered. They walked to a nearby café, sitting down and ordering; Tabitha just ordered a salad, while Matt ordered a burger; Matt paid for the meal. He tilted his head at Tabitha.

"Are you sure you don't want anything else?" he asked.

"I'm fine."

Tabitha picked at his salad, regret slowly building up inside of him. This was his fault, though, and he'd have to pay for it. He ate only the lettuce and the berries; he wasn't a fan of cucumbers or tomatoes in the first place.

"So…do you have anyone you happen to like?" Tabitha began. He wanted to know if he had a chance to be with Matt.

"Who, me?" Matt nervously laughed. "Nah, I-I'm not interested in anyone currently." He bet if Archie were there, he'd call him out right away on his lie.

"Oh. I was just curious." Tabitha felt his heart shatter. He wanted to tell Matt he liked him, he really did, but he was sure Matt wouldn't be interested.

'_As if he ever could love you. Look at how disgusting you are.'_

"Well, I should probably get going, now." Tabitha got up. He really just wanted to go home. "Thank you for inviting me out today."

"No problem. You should probably talk to the others, though; like I said before, they're wondering where you are."

"I will." Matt smiled at Tabitha and gave his arm a slight squeeze before he walked off, waving to Tabitha.

Both went home with different emotions; Tabitha with shame and regret, and Matt with doubt and slight curiousity. Their thoughts were shared, though.

"_He probably just wants to be friends."_

* * *

><p>As soon as Tabitha got home and was in the safety of his house, he went to change into his sleepwear, avoiding looking in the mirror at all costs. He wondered why he even had that mirror anymore and debated throwing it out or giving it away. All he knew was that storm of emotions had built up inside of him and it was refusing to go away.<p>

He wasn't upset with Matt, no; he could never be truly upset with his muscular friend and his affectionate ways. He was upset with himself; that Matt would never love him as more than a friend—and it was Tabitha's fault for being so disgusting. He walked into the bathroom, knelt over the toilet, and shoved a toothbrush down the back of his throat.

He was imperfect, and he knew that. He wondered if everyone saw how imperfect he was. Maybe they did, and they were good at covering it up. Tabitha was almost sure they laughed at him behind his back. Maybe Shelly was just pretending three years ago. Maybe she never cared for him.

'_You're a fool to think anyone would want to be seen with you.'_

He didn't stop forcing himself to throw up until he was sure everything he had eaten was out of him. His throat burned in pain, and he felt somewhat dizzy from vomiting so much, but that didn't matter to him. He wanted—no, he _needed_ to feel empty. He needed to be perfect if he wanted any hope of being loved by others.

But until then, he was flawed.

And flawed people didn't deserve love or friendship.

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><p><em>That…last scene was actually pretty hard for me to write. <em>

_Also, I'm going to attempt to draw a cover for this story so you don't have to look at my horrible icon all the time when you read this. My art skills are bad, though, so don't expect anything special. My friend may collab on it with me._

_Well, until the next chapter, I'll see you guys later!_


	5. Spiral

_I'm glad all your feels are being crushed by this fanfic, because so are mine. And I'm the writer. So, what else should I do then crush our feels so more? ;D_

_And let's give my OC's cute little cameo in the last chapter a round of applause (shhh she's probably going appear two or three more times but I promise she won't be all that important every single time)._

_Anyways, hey guys! I was actually able to get a few buffer chapters planned out and I'm writing out the first two of them, so I'm updating again because you guys are awesome! Note about this chapter: This is taking place around four to five months after the last chapter._

_**WARNING: self harm is discussed in this chapter. **_

_Without further ado, let's jump into this chapter!_

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><p>"<em>You're the reason, you know."<em>

_Shelly looked up from where she was. It was a completely dark void, and she was just lying down in the middle of it. She stood up, looking for the accusing voice._

"_What did I do…?"_

"_You know perfectly well what you did. You left him on his own, kept to your unsuspecting nature. Some friend you are."_

_She stopped, horrified. Fiercely shaking her head, she took a step back and looked around, eyes wide. If it was warm, she didn't feel it, because she was shivering._

"_N-no, I didn't…he said he was okay, I helped him…!"_

"_Blind as usual, I see. I hope you're happy with what you did."_

_The void around her warped her to Mt. Pyre, in front of a specific gravestone. Shelly looked around, though she wasn't confused. A knot formed in her stomach as she remembered what that voice had said to her. She didn't even need to read the gravestone to know who it was for. _

"_Th-that…no, that's not…he's not…"_

"_Face it, Shelly! This was your doing! If you just told someone else, if you weren't foolish enough to believe he would be alright on his own, this would have never happened!"_

_Tears began to fall from her eyes as she tried to speak._

"_I didn't…I never meant to…"_

"_Tabitha's dead and it's. All. Your. FAULT."_

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><p>"NO!"<p>

Shelly shot awake suddenly, panting and eyes wide in fear. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought it'd leap out of her chest. She felt sick and her head was spinning with all the thoughts running through it. She got up and went to go wash her face, which was wet with the tears running down them, turning her bedside lamp on so she could see where she was going. Once she was finished and she had dried off, she sat back down on her bed, tucked her knees up to her chest, and buried her head in her arms, back against the wall. The truth was, it wasn't the first time nightmares like that haunted her.

She thought back to everything that had happened in the past four or five months. Matt told her that he saw Tabitha, and then Tabitha called all of them assuring them he was okay. And he was keeping in touch with them, sending a text every now and then, and even dropping the occasional visit.

'_Tabitha's okay, he isn't dead, he didn't…' _

Her thoughts stopped there. She wasn't going to be able to deny it anymore; there was a high and dangerous chance that Tabitha relapsed. What else could explain his sudden desire to isolate himself? She couldn't bear to think of her friend hurting himself again, and she was just sitting here and trying to convince herself he was okay when he really wasn't.

She looked at her PokeNav. The time read 11:30 PM. Knowing Courtney, she was still awake, and right now, someone who knew Tabitha almost as well as she did needed to know what was on her mind.

"Shelly? What're…you doing…up this late?" Courtney's confused tone answered.

"I had a nightmare about something that happened in the past, and I have to tell someone this before I lose my mind."

"Go on…then…"

"Back when we worked in Devon Corp, Tabitha had an eating disorder…and I'm afraid that he may have relapsed into it."

Courtney was silent for an estimate of three minutes before she spoke again.

"Hopefully…you are okay…with me sleeping…over tonight…"

She hung up. Shelly sighed and went to wait by the door, knowing Courtney wasn't kidding when she said that. She heard a knock on her door ten minutes later; she guessed Courtney flew here on her Crobat. She didn't have to say anything except to step aside as Courtney walked in.

After they set Courtney's sleeping bag up in Shelly's room, the black haired woman prepared herself for Courtney's questions, knowing they were going to be hard to answer. They were memories Shelly didn't like bringing up, but if it meant they'd be able to find a way to help him, she'd be willing to bring it up.

"Tell me…what happened…to Tabitha?"

"It's a long story, and I have no clue where I should start."

"The beginning…is always…a good place…"

The beginning was also a long story in itself, but Shelly found a good place to start.

"Tabitha and I worked in Devon Corp together for four years. I know we share a weird friendship, and an unexpected one, but it runs deeper than just science and inside jokes only we understand. When we started working in Devon Corp, we were considered two of the best scientists there. We were liked among many, yes, but…Tabitha had more than a few people who didn't like him."

"Why not?" Courtney tilted her head, thoroughly confused. What was there not to like about Tabitha? He may have had a short temper and had an odd laugh, but other than that he was quite lovable.

"It's another story." Shelly sighed before she continued. "Well, in any case, they were awful, and I hope we never run into them again. On an almost regular basis, they would throw an insult or a passive-aggressive comment at him. At first, it was really petty, like teasing him for some pointless or irrelevant thing he said to me or one of the others. Eventually, though…it escalated, almost too quickly."

Courtney frowned, and chose her next words carefully. "They…went after…him for…his weight…didn't they?"

"To say they went after him is an understatement. I'd rather we not get too deep into details, but all I can say is that it hurt Tabitha in every way possible. Some of the nicknames they made up, the things they said…they were relentless with it. He tried his best to ignore them, but one day…it got to be too much, and he slowly and silently broke. He stopped eating almost completely, save for an occasional salad. He stopped laughing and smiling so often, and he barely let me hug him. On the rare occasion he did smile…it looked and felt forced. It was like he forgot what happiness actually felt like."

Courtney flinched when she heard the last part. Tabitha seemed so cheerful and uplifting on the outside. More importantly, he never seemed to complain about his weight; in fact, he seemed okay with himself. It made her wonder if memories of the past often plagued him. It would explain why he would sometimes isolate himself for a day. Her heart sank as she recalled a few weeks ago, when she attempted to hug him, and was turned down rather uncharacteristically. Now she understood why.

"After around a year and a half, I finally realized what was going on and I had to stop him from doing any further damage to himself."

"Dare I ask…what else he did?"

"He…He told me that one night, it got to be too much for him, and…he slit his wrist. The scars have since healed and faded, and he said did it only the one time, but…" Shelly didn't want to continue, already thinking of what could have happened.

"I didn't think it was possible to see someone more put down and emotionally damaged, but there we were. It was a long recovery process, but he got through it. It stayed between us; no one else ever knew; it was his choice not to tell anyone else what happened." She paused. "…I don't know why I didn't tell any of you sooner. I understood why he wouldn't want to say anything, and I don't blame him, but…I should have warned you all he could relapse…"

"You shouldn't…blame yourself…for something…you had no control…over."

"I know…but sometimes you just wonder if there was something else you could have done, if you could go back into the past and correct every mistake you ever made."

Courtney looked away. She knew that feeling better than anyone could have imagined. If she could go back in time, she'd change many things, more things than she'd want to admit. Her thoughts drifted back to their suffering friend. He didn't deserve to go through a single ounce of what he was put through.

"…Why…did he…relapse?" The question surprised Shelly. "He…seemed so…happy…and proud…"

"People can relapse for many reasons. They could be surrounded by people who love and appreciate them, and it'd still happen." Shelly picked up a photo of her and Tabitha when they were in Devon Corp. Both were smiling and laughing and they had their arms wrapped around each other in a hug.

"We have…to tell…the others. They…have to know…why he hasn't…been himself."

"Believe me; the idea of telling them has been gnawing at me ever since we went our separate ways. Like I said, I didn't say anything out of respect for him. Maybe I should have said something…"

It was silent for around twenty minutes. There only one question that was left to ask.

"So what…do we…do now?"

The answer was less than desired.

"…I don't know, Courtney. I honestly don't know."

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><p>Tabitha didn't like walking home in the evening on his own, when it was quiet and he could hear himself breath. He didn't like the dark in general. It tended to remind him of how lonely he felt most of the time. A giant void had formed inside of him, and he was unable to fill it, no matter what he did. He doubted it could ever be filled; loneliness had a habit of doing that to you.<p>

After seeing Matt, he forced himself to talk to everyone else, and used the same lie he told before; he had been busy and never had the chance to tell them. It hurt to lie to them just as much as it hurt to starve, but he knew both were necessary. None of them reacted too badly; he just received a light scolding from Shelly for worrying them and a worried hug from Courtney. While he normally would accept hugs from her, he hesitated to return her gesture, fearing she'd say something about how fat he was.

He looked up at the stars, before he heaved a sigh and continued home once more. What were you supposed to do, when you wanted to cry out but you couldn't, so your hid your cries behind a mask and faked a smile? Were you supposed to tell someone else? Or were you supposed to keep it all inside and never let anyone in?

Shaking his head, Tabitha pushed the thoughts out of his mind. As he walked, he thought he heard footsteps behind him, but when he turned around, no one was there. He figured he was overreacting; he could be so jumpy sometimes.

"Well, if it isn't Tabitha!"

His blood ran cold as he heard the voice, though it wasn't so much the voice that set him off; it was who the voice was from. Turning around, he saw an old coworker of his and Shelly's from Devon Corp. He was taller than Tabitha, and wore glasses and had black hair.

"Didn't think I'd get to see you again," the man continued, walking a little closer to him. Tabitha backed up, biting the inside of his cheek. He hoped he never had to see most of them again. Right now, he was wishing this was all a dream, but he knew that would be too good to be true. Nothing ever went right for him when he wanted it to.

"So, how's Shelly? Still as pretty as ever, I assume?"

"…She's fine," he answered quietly, just wanting to get out of this situation and go home. Apparently, the scientist wasn't going to leave him alone so quickly, because he went on with the one-sided conversation.

"So, how have you been? Where have you been? It's been, what, three years since I last saw you?"

"Technically three and a half years…" _'And what a wonderful three and half years they were…' _

"Well, I've been doing well. I've been working in Unova, but I'm back in Hoenn to visit a few friends. And my, the surprise when I saw you. Then again, it isn't hard to point you out in a crowd, if you get what I'm saying~"

Tabitha surprisingly didn't have a sharp reply.

"You haven't changed a bit," the man chuckled. "You're still in the same as before. It's not a bad thing, though; just means it's easier to talk to you. Well, good night, Tabitha. Say hi to Shelly for me!"

The man walked off in the other direction, leaving Tabitha with a very sick and meek feeling. He turned around and continued home, tears welling up in his eyes. He thought of telling Shelly what happened, but he internally kicked himself for that thought. She had better things to do than to listen to his problems; they were pointless, after all.

It looked like that yogurt he left in the fridge was going to be put off for another day or two. Or maybe three; he wasn't sure. Just as long as it would take to forget the encounter ever happened.

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><p><em>Poor Tabitabi…<em>

_In any case, the next two chapters are going to be fairly short (between 900 and 1,300+ words), but I promise, the chapters will push the plot along and will contain enough to leave you guys on pins and needles while I __snicker about how I'm cliffhanging you __cry because all of these poor dears are going to be put through so much pain._

_Until next chapter, see you guys later!_


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